One Year Later - To Be Continued

I can't do this anymore. Why did I let myself get so big? I really don't like what I've become. I'm so hurt. I'm so sorry. I love me too much to let myself continue. I want to see my grand kids. I want to see my children graduate high school. I want to grow old with my husband. I love me too much to let me destroy myself.

This was the conversation I had with myself 1 year ago today. Many times when you hear that someone has started on a journey to health, you'll hear them say, "It happened over night." I did not believe this until it happened to me, overnight.

I tucked my girls in for the evening. I said goodnight to my husband. I couldn't sleep, something was not allowing me to sleep. Some "force" was making me stay awake. I came out to the living room and started to browse the internet. The typical sites, Facebook, email, etc. As I was adjusting the laptop, I looked down. My thigh was HUGE. There is now way that was my leg. I took my hand, and held it out in front and looked at it. My hand looked normal, so I compared it to my leg to show myself that surely I was not THAT big. To my dismay, I was that big. I did let myself get to that point. It was not the size though that sparked my change. This was only the pebble that started the avalanche. I was tired of being out of breath. I was tired of the aches in my joints. I was tired of my feet hurting. I was tired of being looked at in public. I was tired of being treated differently. I was tired of the anxiety felt when we were lead to a booth in a restaurant (would I fit).  I was tired of the reoccurring nightmares that my husband and daughters were standing over me in my casket. They were pleading with me and crying, "WHY! Why did you let yourself get this unhealthy.Why did you kill yourself. Don't you love us? Don't you love you?"I was tired of being tired and unhealthy. I was killing myself slowly. I was committing suicide with food and lack of exercise.  I never was able to tell anyone or have this discussion, not even with my husband - my best friend, because I was ashamed. Shame is what kept me where I was. For this reason, I become very public. To those who know what an extreme introvert I am, you know this was and continues to be very uncomfortable for me. It is also quite powerful. It prevents me from hiding behind my shame. It allows me to be vulnerable, every day of my life. It allows me to see just how much support I have in this, and that I am no longer alone in my thoughts, no longer alone in my shame, no longer alone on death row. I am ALIVE. I am WELL. I am HEALTHY. I am HAPPY. I am STRONG. I am COURAGEOUS.

I have a long way to go. As this day approached, the one year anniversary of my healthy homecoming, I was discouraged. I didn't lose 100 pounds like I wanted to, by the 1 year mark. I didn't reach my goal weight by the one year mark. Then I realized, why am I focusing on the scale? Why am I focusing on the one year mark. This is a lifetime of change, not 1 year. I have a long way to go, but as I look back on this one year anniversary of the start line to my race, I realize the following:

1. The race is longer than I expected
2. The road is harder than I anticipated
3. The pot holes are deeper than realized
4. I continue to trip on my shoelaces more than I thought
5. I sometimes stay down when I trip, longer than I want to

BUT

1. The support is more infinite that I could have dreamed
2. I am stronger than I ever knew
3. I am loved more than I could have ever hoped for
4. I have made changes that last forever
5. I will overcome just like I always knew

There is no finish line to this race. There is no shirt at the end. There is no medal to win. My prize for this race, my life can begin.

Every.Last.Step

Hold that Train

The train whistled and the conductor yelled, "All aboard". She stood up from the comfortable bench she was sitting on and looked back at the comfort of that bench longingly. The bench was lined with a silky fabric that was quite soft to the touch. Underneath the silky fabric, was a secondary layer of extra padding. This padding made the bench the most comfortable she had felt in a very long time. She really did not want to leave the comfort of the bench, yet something was pulling her back toward the direction of the train she left a few months back. She pulled out her punched ticket and began to wonder if she really wanted to leave the comfort behind. As she began to walk toward the train, she had several fears. Would she trip as she ran back toward the train? Would the conductor hold the train long enough? Would she be able to leave the comfort she had come to know over the past few months? Would she be able to walk up the stairs without falling? Would the fellow passengers mock her and laugh at her for being lost and gone for so long? Would they think she didn't have it in her to stay on the train this time around, since she was gone for so long? As she faced the fears head on, she took all of determination she could muster, and got back on the train and returned to her seat among the passengers. Soon after she sat down, the conductor approached her with a smirk and a smile. "Excuse me, Engineer, why are you seated amongst the passengers. Don't you remember, you are the driver of this train?" He then took her ticket and replaced it with an engineer cap. Knowing she was now the driver, made her realize an even greater fear. She did second guess her own ability to stay on the train this time, but she knew, there was something in her that would not let her give up on her destination. Since she is the driver of the train, she is in charge of her final destination. Where was she going you might ask? She was heading to a destination that could provide her the quality of life she had always wanted. Although there will be several other stops along the way with very comforting features and lots of temptations, she knows now, that it is okay to be tempted by the comfort and knows that her fears were myths. She knows she can always get back on the train and that she is not a passenger on the train, she is the Engineer and in charge of her destination to every last step.

I took a path to comfort and decided to stay on my bench a little too long this past year. I am glad I decided to not only re-board my train, but also became the engineer again. It is NEVER too late.

What is your destination this New Year? Where are you driving your train? We are given many choices to make, what plans do you have in place to make sure you are making the choices that are best alligned with your destination?