I can't do this anymore. Why did I let myself get so big? I really don't like what I've become. I'm so hurt. I'm so sorry. I love me too much to let myself continue. I want to see my grand kids. I want to see my children graduate high school. I want to grow old with my husband. I love me too much to let me destroy myself.
This was the conversation I had with myself 1 year ago today. Many times when you hear that someone has started on a journey to health, you'll hear them say, "It happened over night." I did not believe this until it happened to me, overnight.
I tucked my girls in for the evening. I said goodnight to my husband. I couldn't sleep, something was not allowing me to sleep. Some "force" was making me stay awake. I came out to the living room and started to browse the internet. The typical sites, Facebook, email, etc. As I was adjusting the laptop, I looked down. My thigh was HUGE. There is now way that was my leg. I took my hand, and held it out in front and looked at it. My hand looked normal, so I compared it to my leg to show myself that surely I was not THAT big. To my dismay, I was that big. I did let myself get to that point. It was not the size though that sparked my change. This was only the pebble that started the avalanche. I was tired of being out of breath. I was tired of the aches in my joints. I was tired of my feet hurting. I was tired of being looked at in public. I was tired of being treated differently. I was tired of the anxiety felt when we were lead to a booth in a restaurant (would I fit). I was tired of the reoccurring nightmares that my husband and daughters were standing over me in my casket. They were pleading with me and crying, "WHY! Why did you let yourself get this unhealthy.Why did you kill yourself. Don't you love us? Don't you love you?"I was tired of being tired and unhealthy. I was killing myself slowly. I was committing suicide with food and lack of exercise. I never was able to tell anyone or have this discussion, not even with my husband - my best friend, because I was ashamed. Shame is what kept me where I was. For this reason, I become very public. To those who know what an extreme introvert I am, you know this was and continues to be very uncomfortable for me. It is also quite powerful. It prevents me from hiding behind my shame. It allows me to be vulnerable, every day of my life. It allows me to see just how much support I have in this, and that I am no longer alone in my thoughts, no longer alone in my shame, no longer alone on death row. I am ALIVE. I am WELL. I am HEALTHY. I am HAPPY. I am STRONG. I am COURAGEOUS.
I have a long way to go. As this day approached, the one year anniversary of my healthy homecoming, I was discouraged. I didn't lose 100 pounds like I wanted to, by the 1 year mark. I didn't reach my goal weight by the one year mark. Then I realized, why am I focusing on the scale? Why am I focusing on the one year mark. This is a lifetime of change, not 1 year. I have a long way to go, but as I look back on this one year anniversary of the start line to my race, I realize the following:
1. The race is longer than I expected
2. The road is harder than I anticipated
3. The pot holes are deeper than realized
4. I continue to trip on my shoelaces more than I thought
5. I sometimes stay down when I trip, longer than I want to
BUT
1. The support is more infinite that I could have dreamed
2. I am stronger than I ever knew
3. I am loved more than I could have ever hoped for
4. I have made changes that last forever
5. I will overcome just like I always knew
There is no finish line to this race. There is no shirt at the end. There is no medal to win. My prize for this race, my life can begin.
Every.Last.Step
