One Year Later - To Be Continued

I can't do this anymore. Why did I let myself get so big? I really don't like what I've become. I'm so hurt. I'm so sorry. I love me too much to let myself continue. I want to see my grand kids. I want to see my children graduate high school. I want to grow old with my husband. I love me too much to let me destroy myself.

This was the conversation I had with myself 1 year ago today. Many times when you hear that someone has started on a journey to health, you'll hear them say, "It happened over night." I did not believe this until it happened to me, overnight.

I tucked my girls in for the evening. I said goodnight to my husband. I couldn't sleep, something was not allowing me to sleep. Some "force" was making me stay awake. I came out to the living room and started to browse the internet. The typical sites, Facebook, email, etc. As I was adjusting the laptop, I looked down. My thigh was HUGE. There is now way that was my leg. I took my hand, and held it out in front and looked at it. My hand looked normal, so I compared it to my leg to show myself that surely I was not THAT big. To my dismay, I was that big. I did let myself get to that point. It was not the size though that sparked my change. This was only the pebble that started the avalanche. I was tired of being out of breath. I was tired of the aches in my joints. I was tired of my feet hurting. I was tired of being looked at in public. I was tired of being treated differently. I was tired of the anxiety felt when we were lead to a booth in a restaurant (would I fit).  I was tired of the reoccurring nightmares that my husband and daughters were standing over me in my casket. They were pleading with me and crying, "WHY! Why did you let yourself get this unhealthy.Why did you kill yourself. Don't you love us? Don't you love you?"I was tired of being tired and unhealthy. I was killing myself slowly. I was committing suicide with food and lack of exercise.  I never was able to tell anyone or have this discussion, not even with my husband - my best friend, because I was ashamed. Shame is what kept me where I was. For this reason, I become very public. To those who know what an extreme introvert I am, you know this was and continues to be very uncomfortable for me. It is also quite powerful. It prevents me from hiding behind my shame. It allows me to be vulnerable, every day of my life. It allows me to see just how much support I have in this, and that I am no longer alone in my thoughts, no longer alone in my shame, no longer alone on death row. I am ALIVE. I am WELL. I am HEALTHY. I am HAPPY. I am STRONG. I am COURAGEOUS.

I have a long way to go. As this day approached, the one year anniversary of my healthy homecoming, I was discouraged. I didn't lose 100 pounds like I wanted to, by the 1 year mark. I didn't reach my goal weight by the one year mark. Then I realized, why am I focusing on the scale? Why am I focusing on the one year mark. This is a lifetime of change, not 1 year. I have a long way to go, but as I look back on this one year anniversary of the start line to my race, I realize the following:

1. The race is longer than I expected
2. The road is harder than I anticipated
3. The pot holes are deeper than realized
4. I continue to trip on my shoelaces more than I thought
5. I sometimes stay down when I trip, longer than I want to

BUT

1. The support is more infinite that I could have dreamed
2. I am stronger than I ever knew
3. I am loved more than I could have ever hoped for
4. I have made changes that last forever
5. I will overcome just like I always knew

There is no finish line to this race. There is no shirt at the end. There is no medal to win. My prize for this race, my life can begin.

Every.Last.Step

Hold that Train

The train whistled and the conductor yelled, "All aboard". She stood up from the comfortable bench she was sitting on and looked back at the comfort of that bench longingly. The bench was lined with a silky fabric that was quite soft to the touch. Underneath the silky fabric, was a secondary layer of extra padding. This padding made the bench the most comfortable she had felt in a very long time. She really did not want to leave the comfort of the bench, yet something was pulling her back toward the direction of the train she left a few months back. She pulled out her punched ticket and began to wonder if she really wanted to leave the comfort behind. As she began to walk toward the train, she had several fears. Would she trip as she ran back toward the train? Would the conductor hold the train long enough? Would she be able to leave the comfort she had come to know over the past few months? Would she be able to walk up the stairs without falling? Would the fellow passengers mock her and laugh at her for being lost and gone for so long? Would they think she didn't have it in her to stay on the train this time around, since she was gone for so long? As she faced the fears head on, she took all of determination she could muster, and got back on the train and returned to her seat among the passengers. Soon after she sat down, the conductor approached her with a smirk and a smile. "Excuse me, Engineer, why are you seated amongst the passengers. Don't you remember, you are the driver of this train?" He then took her ticket and replaced it with an engineer cap. Knowing she was now the driver, made her realize an even greater fear. She did second guess her own ability to stay on the train this time, but she knew, there was something in her that would not let her give up on her destination. Since she is the driver of the train, she is in charge of her final destination. Where was she going you might ask? She was heading to a destination that could provide her the quality of life she had always wanted. Although there will be several other stops along the way with very comforting features and lots of temptations, she knows now, that it is okay to be tempted by the comfort and knows that her fears were myths. She knows she can always get back on the train and that she is not a passenger on the train, she is the Engineer and in charge of her destination to every last step.

I took a path to comfort and decided to stay on my bench a little too long this past year. I am glad I decided to not only re-board my train, but also became the engineer again. It is NEVER too late.

What is your destination this New Year? Where are you driving your train? We are given many choices to make, what plans do you have in place to make sure you are making the choices that are best alligned with your destination?

I see results.........TRAP

So this week, I fell into the "I see results trap". Results are a good thing, but they can also be detrimental to your journey, if not handled correctly. I look in the mirror, I see results, I feel great, I can slow down right? WRONG. I did that this week and am paying for it. Everything seems harder again. Folks, just 4 days off will do that to you. I took off 4 days in a row, at the fitness level. My eating was still good, but I didn't care as much about documenting what I was eating, when I took the days off from fitness. I'm finding they go hand in hand. When I'm working out, I care, when I'm not, I don't. Okay. Back on track this week. No looking back. Still forging ahead. I am different. I got this. Every.last.step

Forever Trek, NOT a morning hike

Week 10 Weigh in:
Weight: 227.2
Pounds Lost this week: 4!!!!!!!!
Pounds to Lose: 92.2
Pounds Lost Total: 30.8
What weighs 30 pounds: 32 inch flat screen TV

I am VERY teary this morning for a different reason. I am proud, empowered, frustrated and angry all at the same time. I am proud for obvious reasons. I am angry and frustrated that I let myself get this big. BUT I am moving forward. This week was tough mentally. After losing so little last week, I had to keep moving forward. Thank you for all of the encouragement last week to look ahead and remind me that this is an entire trek and not a 30 minute hike. Thank you for the hope you brought back to me.

Why this week is so monumental
In the past, I would have looked at the scale and said, "FORGET THIS". No way am I going to keep working this hard to show this little improvement. I would have gone back to my old ways, only to look at my efforts in the rear view mirror as I was peeling out and driving away from them. What I didn't realize last time was that this is a lifetime of hiking and not a morning stroll. I get that now, and I am very thankful for that realization. This is the very key to my success.


Weekly Fitness
Walk/Run: 8.78 miles
Zumba Class: 3 hours
Arm Weight Circuit: 40 minutes
Treadmill: 1.5 hours

BECAUSE I COULDN'T QUIT ON ME!!! Every.Last.Step

Week 9 Weigh In.......the elephant in the room

Week 9 Weigh in:
Weight: 231.2
Pounds Lost this week: .6 (NOT A TYPO)
Pounds to Lose: 96.2
Pounds Lost Total: 26.8

Let's just address the elephant in the room already. Why did I only lose .6 pounds? My calorie defecit this week was 11595 (breaks down to approx 3.3 pounds). UGGGHHHH I am VERY teary and frustrated this morning. I have run through all of the below drills in my head:
1. It's a journey, it takes time
2. You didn't put it on overnight and you won't take it off overnight
3. Muscle weighs more than fat (which it doesn't by the way. 1 pound is 1 pound is 1 pound)
4. You still lost
5. 3500 calorie deficit does not AUTOMATICALLY equal 1 pound
6. Don't focus on your weight, focus on your health.

BUT the one that stuck and finally pulled me more out of my funk is that, I AM REAL. I am not a fantasy. My journey is just that a human journey. How can others truly be inspired by me if they don't get to experience shortcomings as well as successes. I do consider this a shortcoming even though I still lost. I had set an expectation for myself and fell short. YES IT DOES STINK. YES I WANT TO THROW A TANTRUM. YES I WANT PEOPLE TO SAY, THIS STINKS.But I have to keep moving forward.

I could spend all day trying to figure it out, googling weight loss plateaus, pointing my finger and placing blame. BUT I CHOSE to move on and look toward next week.

What are some things I can keep in mind going into next week:
1. DRINK YOUR WATER
2. Lower sodium intake (Did you know cottage cheese has 460mg of sodium per serving)
3. Work on core and balance so I can move to weight training
4. Don't have a specific number of pounds I want to lose at the beginning of the week. Focus on being healthy.

Weekly Fitness
Walk/Run: 12.34 miles
Zumba Class: 3 hours
Elliptical: 5 minutes
Cycling: 10 minutes
Treadmill: 45 minutes

This is still my journey. I am still fabulous and I am looking ahead and moving forward.
Every.last.step

Wait.....How many Zumba classes was I consuming?

I pulled into the McDonald's drive through this morning on my way home from Zumba. As I pulled in, I had a flood of thoughts. Strangely it felt a little like home. I felt a tinge of comfort. I wondered if "my friends" at the window would recognize me and wonder where I've been. You see, I was frequenting McDonald's five days a week for breakfast. Breakfast of Champions? -- hardly. I was ADDICTED to crap. I was eating 2 breakfast sandwiches on most days. On the days where I was going to be "Stressed" or "Deserved" it, I would pick up a third breakfast sandwich. I washed it down with 1-2 large diet cokes. Thank goodness it was diet with all of those breakfast calories. AND I was eating vegetarian, that counts for something right? Embarrassment would usually overcome me as I would pull up morning after morning, only for the same people to greet me. That was not enough to stop me. "What are they thinking about me?" "They must recognize me." This morning, my most overwhelming thought.....UNCOMFORTABLE. What was the new me doing in a McDonald's drive through you ask? I wanted to pick up a strawberry banana smoothie for my husband who was home sick. Over the past 3 days I burned a combined total of 1864 calories doing Zumba alone. McDonald's now has calories noted below each food item on their menu. I WAS MORTIFIED as I started adding up the breakfast calories consumed for breakfast in my past life. Ready for this? Might want to hide under a table because this is SCARY! I was killing myself one breakfast at a time.

Old Me
Daily Breakfast Counts
Calories: 1170 of my 1400-1600 daily recommended
Sodium: 3265 mg of my 2300 daily recommended (WOOPS)
Fat: 53 grams
Cost: $8.50

Weekly Counts
Calories: 5850
Sodium: 16325 mg
Fat: 265 grams
Cost: $42.50

Monthly Counts
Calories: 29250
Sodium: 81625 mg
Fat: 1325 grams
Cost: $212.50

Yearly Counts
Calories: 304200
Sodium: 848900 mg
Fat: 13780 grams
Cost: $2210.00

New Me
Daily Breakfast Counts
Calories: 200-300
Sodium: 400-500mg
Fat: 0-10 grams
Cost: $2.00

Weekly Counts
Calories: 1000-1500
Sodium: 2000-2500mg
Fat: 0-50 grams
Cost: $10.00

Monthly Counts
Calories: 5000-7500
Sodium: 10000-12500mg
Fat: 0-250 grams
Cost: $50.00

Yearly Counts
Calories: 52000 - 78000
Sodium: 104000-130000mg
Fat: 0-2600 grams
Cost: $520.00

With those sodium levels alone, I was headed on a straight path to a heart attack. How many Zumba classes was I eating? I was eating 2 Zumba classes EVERY DAY for breakfast. Zumba is NO JOKE. It is one of the toughest things I have done in a very long time. I cannot imagine doing 2 Zumba classes a day to keep up with my eating. How many Zumba classes are you eating? What are some healthy exchanges you can make? YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!!!!

Every.last.step

Keep your promises........to yourself

As I was strolling the isles of the grocery store this morning I couldn't help but wonder, "Why did I let myself get to this point?" I have tried MANY times and have failed. I was thinking how often I make promises to others and KILL myself to keep the promises I make. I over commit and will often lose sleep, stress out, and become CRAZY women to keep my promises. Why then was I not keeping promises to myself? I would often say, I'm going to start Monday. For most of us, if someone asked for a favor TODAY, we would sacrifice to help them out. Why are Mondays so popular when starting a new life change? Why was I not starting TODAY. Why was I not important enough to keep promises to myself?

I'm here today to tell you, WE ARE THAT IMPORTANT! We matter. Without health, what do we have? Our health is the core of all that we are and all that we do. If we do not take care of ourselves, who is going to?

Steps to get to this point:

1. Reflect on why you are where you are. What decisions have you made to this point to get to where you are.

2. Reflect on reasons why you love yourself and why you are worth it

3. Make a promise to yourself, that you intend to keep

4. Pick 1 thing to change this week to make yourself healthier

• Move more. If you are not walking, commit to walking at least 10 minutes every day this week. If you can't walk 10 minutes, walk 5 minutes. If you can't walk, swim. If you can't swim, bike. If you can't bike, crawl.
• Whatever it takes to MOVE.
• Cut back on soda
• Cut back on sugar
• Incorporate more weights
• Get more sleep

5. Ensure your changes match where YOU are AT THIS MOMENT. DO NOT compare yourself to Jillian Michaels and expect to succeed. YOU ARE YOU and that is COOL!

Every.last.step - Make it COUNT!